Incontrovertible Proof That Sarah Palin Is A Slightly More Bangable Version of Genghis Khan.

For some strange reason that I still, twenty years later, do not fully understand, I, after college, went to graduate school to study Russian Literature. This was perhaps the stupidest decision ever made. It turned me into the least salable person on the planet.

            Nonetheless, incorrigible optimist that I am, I don’t (entirely) regret it. Studying Russian stuff at least got me to Russia for a year (where, praise be, I finally had sex. I was, am, and forever shall be a massive geek, but in the Land of Geeks—which Russia was at that time—the least geeky is the biggest stud out there), which was a good time (for many reasons, not necessarily only the one mntioned in the first set of parentheses in this sentence). And it actually taught me a bunch of things that, while they have never, ever, ever once come in useful or had any practical application ever, are still cool things that are worth knowing.

            Here’s one of them.

            A good pal of mine teaches political science in Illinois, and asked me to come and deliver a four-hour lecture on Russian history to his class last March. It sounded like a good time (I may have mentioned that I was, am, and forever shall be a huge geek) so I busted out some old grad school books, and started putting this lecture together. And in doing so, I ran across a book I hadn’t thought of in years.  

            The book was Professor Stuart Legg’s “The Barbarians of Asia.” I recommend it. It’s a lot of fun and packed chock-full with a bunch of fun facts, like...  

Genghis (Chingiz) Khan, who turned heartland tensions to his own advantage in the 12th century,. 

• The Mongols made a drink called kumiss out of horse blood, horse urine, and fermented mare’s milk.
• The Mongols invented stirrups, which gave them a distinct strategic advantage over everyone else.
• The Mongols wore silk underwear. I know, it sounds a little—um—gosh, how shall I put this delicately—queer. But it was actually smart. Since silk doesn’t tear, and since arrows spin in mid-air, the arrow just bunched up the silk around it, but it didn’t puncture the skin. Cool, no? Who knew wearing ladies’ underwear protects you from arrow wounds?

      Okay, so most of the fun facts are about the Mongols. But they’re still fun facts.

            Anyhow, fun facts aside, Legg posits a very, very interesting theory of human history.

            He divides all humanity into those who dwell in the heartland, and those who dwell in the coastal regions, or what he calls the littorals.

            Now, the people in the littorals generally do okay. Ships sail into their harbors from all over the planet, bearing new ideas, new technologies, new foods, goods, and all kinds of stuff that enriches the lives of the inhabitants. And the littorals are rich. All the goods and products of the heartland flow to the littorals so that they can be bought and sold. This generates a lot of wealth for the littoral regions. Basically, all the wealth of the country flows toward the coasts.

            Now, in the heartlands, things stagnate. All the wealth flows out—very little flows back in. The people there aren’t exposed to new things very often, if ever. And over time, economic and psychological pressures, resentments, etc., etc., build up, until finally, the heartlanders have had enough. They hop on their horses and head toward the coasts with blood in their eyes and heads full of hell.

            They wreak havoc for a while, but eventually, they get absorbed into littoral population. And the cycle starts all over again.

            Now, it sounds a little cockamamie, I grant you that. Human history as a cycle of conflicts between inland hillbillies and coastal city slickers is... well, it’s tough to swallow.

But if you know anything about Russian history, it’s a little hard to argue with. The parade of peoples who have washed over Russia for four thousand years—Scyths, Huns, Sarmatians, Avars, Khazars, Bulgars, Magyars, Jurchets, Keraits, Cumans, Petchenegs, Mongols, and Turks—all add credence to Professor Legg’s theory.

Sarah Palin, who turned Heartland tensions to her own advantage slightly more recently. 

                                                                                                                                                                   

            Anyone who’s spent more than four minutes in my presence since November of 2010 is aware that I’m goddamned well sick and tired of living in the Midwest. I hate it.

I shouldn’t. I was born here. I’ve lived here all my life in the Midwest. I should be used to it by now. Hell, until last year, I made a half-assed attempt to try and turn myself into a Midwestern patriot.

“Screw the coasts!” I said. “Up California’s ass, and New York can suck it, too. Go Cards! GO CARRRRRDS!!! Pass the corn on the cob!”

But then something happened. Maybe it was the six-month long Winter of ’10-’11 and the perfectly shitty spring that followed. Maybe it was the tornadoes that tore apart Joplin and Lambert International Airport. Or maybe it was a combination of a lot of factors. But at any rate, something in my head shifted.

“Hell with it,” I figured. “Why do I live here? I’m not a farmer. I hate the cold. What the hell keeps me in this goddamn backwater?”

I gave it my best shot. I really did. But the thing is, I’ve just never really felt like a Midwesterner.

When Bob Dylan rasps, “I was born very far from where I’m supposed to be, and so I’m on my way home, you know?” I get it. I really do. Me too, Bob. I’m on my way somewhere else too. I think that place is Florida. I just want to live somewhere warm and close to water.

And as I was driving from St. Louis to Peoria to lecture my pal’s students—the blood-soaked saga of Russian history churning in my brain as I stared out the window onto a big chunk of America’s heartland, a vast, flat, and desolate swath of disappearing jobs, isolation, despair, and boredom—it hit me.

Dr. Legg is spot on the money. He’s dead right about human history.

The Tea Party is the next bunch of barbarians coming out of Asia.

Don’t argue with me on this. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I genuinely think I’m right.

Think about it. The Tea Party are a pissed-off bunch of Heartland-dwellers, just brimming with resentment—some of it justified, honestly—who, for generations, have watched all the wealth of the country flowing away from them and toward the coasts.

Some people call them racists. I don’t really think they are. I know a bunch of them. They’re the nicest people in the world. They would as soon burn a cross on someone’s front lawn as they would admit to wearing silk underwear (you know, like the Mongols), and they would be absolutely horrified at the thought of lynching anyone. They might be slightly uncomfortable at the thought of their daughter having sex with a black guy, but once the grandchildren come along, they generally shrug their shoulders and figure, “Ah, fuck it. Kids are kids.”

Their politics really don’t make a lot of sense. They vote for the party of the corporations that send their jobs overseas, raise their insurance premiums, and foreclose on their houses. They’re generally poor, and yet they vote for politicians who take away social services. Their enemies are, depending on the day, “fascists” or “communists” or “socialists.”

Essentially, these people—God love ‘em, these solid salt of the earth Midwesterners, bless their lil’ cotton socks—have no coherent ideology except—EXCEPT—that they hate the Coasts.

They hate New York and they hate Hollywood. They aren’t entirely sure why. They have a vague idea that Hollywood is a drug-addled pervert-filled moral cesspit, and New York is full of rapacious bankers out to steal every last dime they own. They’re convinced, without a whole lot to go on, that everyone who ISN’T from the Heartland is a homosexual atheist abortion-having drug-sucking Communist. The people on the coasts, in the minds of Midwesterners, are a sort of vague amalgamation of everything they fear.

There isn’t any rhyme, reason, or coherence to their fears, but that shouldn’t surprise us when we realize what’s really going on. It’s just the latest manifestation of the zillion year old Heartland/Littoral tension—a conflict as old as humanity.

I was really proud of this epiphany of mine until I was out with a couple of pals and shared my theory.

One of them, who’s an attorney and who was educated by Jesuits, thought hard for a moment, took a long drag on his cigarette, and then said in his deadpan voice, “Okay, explain Texas. Has a coast—filled with hillbilly douchebags.”

            Back to the drawing board, I guess.